Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage

1. Marriage is a covenant between one man and one woman

As a church, our position on marriage is grounded upon the bible’s teaching of marriage as a covenant between one man and one woman. It is most clearly taught in Malachi 2, where God is mounting an argument against the men of Israel who are unfaithful to their wives by divorcing them. The passage reads;

Malachi 2:13–16

13 Another thing you do: You flood the Lord’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer looks with favour on your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. 14 You ask, “Why?” It is because the Lord is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.

15 Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth.
16 “The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the Lord Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful.

This teaching is grounded in Genesis 2;

Genesis 2:21–24

21 So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

23 The man said,

“This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh;  she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.”

24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. 

Because of the nature of this ‘one flesh’ relationship, it is designed by the Lord to be a covenant relationship between the husband and his wife, to the exclusion of all others.

2. Marriage is to be a life-long covenant

Marriage is also to be a covenant relationship that is intended to endure until the covenant comes to an end through the death of one of the covenant members. We know this because of the following three New Testament passages;

Matthew 19:4–6

4 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

1 Corinthians 7:39

39 A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.

Romans 7:2

2 For example, by law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law that binds her to him.

All three passages affirm, without question, that marriage is a covenant relationship designed by God to endure until one member of the covenant dies. If one member of the covenant relationship outlives the other, they are free to marry another person, so long as they’re also committed to Jesus, but not while both are alive.

3. The purpose of marriage is to reflect the covenant relationship between Christ and his church

God cares so much about marriage because it’s designed by God to reflect the covenant relationship between Christ and his church. The Apostle Paul teaches on this point in Ephesians 5, saying;

Ephesians 5:22–33

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

This is helpful to reflect on because it teaches us that marriage is not an end in itself. It’s a powerful truth because it shows us that the purpose of marriage is primarily what it portrays. To put it another way, the main purpose for marriage is not sexual intimacy, children, or companionship – as important as they are – but to portray the relationship between Christ and his church. And no matter what happens in our marriages, whether they ‘fail’ or ‘succeed’, it’s helpful to reflect on the fact that what our marriages portray, remains intact. And regardless of whether we think our marriages are ‘strong’ or ‘weak’, we have the same unchanging, eternal reality to work toward.

This solid truth also gives shape and direction to our marriages, because as husbands and wives consider how they should think about their roles and act within the relationship, the answer is theological, as they both look to the covenant relationship between Christ and his church. This is most clearly articulated in Ephesians 5:22–33, and seen in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, where he laid down his life in service to his church, and after we recognise him as our ‘Head’, we, the church, then respond in obedience by laying down our lives for him. And in this way, marriages are designed by God to reflect the relationship between Christ and his church.

4. The covenant of marriage is temporary, and we must be aware of the destructive consequences of sin

Unlike the eternal covenant that God makes with us in Christ, the covenant of marriage is temporary, in that, is it always ‘till death do us part’, as we have already considered in Point 2. And because of sin in the world, the covenant of marriage can also be broken, apart from death, through the sin of unfaithfulness.

The temporary nature of the covenant of marriage is due to the nature of the covenant itself, being between two people, the husband and his wife. The marriage covenant is made in the sight of God, but it is not a covenant between man and God. The promises that the husband and wife make with each other are the conditions of the covenant, and this is why the covenant can be broken because of sin.

We believe that the foundation of marriage is faithfulness, because the covenant of marriage rests upon the husband and the wife remaining faithful to the promises being made in their ‘vows’. Unlike the covenant relationship we enter into with God in Christ, that depends on Jesus’ faithfulness, not ours, and that we enter into by faith alone; the covenant of marriage is upheld by our faithfulness to the vows that we both make as husband and wife.

This is why the covenant of marriage can be broken, since either the husband or the wife can act in unfaithfulness and break the covenant, through sin, by failing to uphold their vows. Jesus alludes to this in Matthew 5 and Matthew 19, as two examples, listed respectively below;

Matthew 5:31–32

31 “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Matthew 19:8–9

8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

And as Jesus mentions here in Matthew 19, even many years before this, Moses also permitted divorce on the basis of unfaithfulness, to protect members of the marriage covenant who are in relationship with unfaithful people who fail to uphold their end of the covenant. Moses gave this word, by God’s will, in Deuteronomy 24;

Deuteronomy 24:1–4

1 If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, 2 and if after she leaves his house she becomes the wife of another man,
3 and her second husband dislikes her and writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, or if he dies, 4 then her first husband, who divorced her, is not allowed to marry her again after she has been defiled. That would be detestable in the eyes of the Lord. Do not bring sin upon the land the Lord your God is giving you as an inheritance.

There is a lot in this, but in short, Moses was doing two things here, broadly speaking.

First, he was protecting women who have historically been the more likely victims of abusive behaviour, by warning husbands that once a certificate of divorce is given, there’s no going back. A divorce is as serious as the marriage itself, in that, it is binding. Once a certificate of divorce was given, there’s no going back, so be very careful when you consider this.

Second, Moses was teaching the Israelites that the covenant of marriage can be broken, since in this example, a wife becomes displeasing to her husband because he finds something indecent about her. It will take wisdom to define what is displeasing as well as what constitutes indecent, and this was a matter for the priests and teachers of the law to interpret for the people so that God’s will be done.

The other important example in scripture that teaches that the covenant of marriage can be broken is from Exodus 21, which gives a scenario where divorce is permitted in response to the covenant of marriage being broken. Speaking of a situation where an Israelite gives a slave-girl to his son to enter into a covenant relationship with her as his wife, the text reads;

Exodus 21:9–11

9 If he selects her for his son, he must grant her the rights of a daughter. 10 If he marries another woman, he must not deprive the first one of her food, clothing and marital rights. 11 If he does not provide her with these three things, she is to go free, without any payment of money.

We will return to this important text, but in short, Moses here describes some important and binding rights of marriage, which include food, clothing and marital rights, with marital rights being commonly understood as sexual intimacy (or ‘conjugal rights’) that comes along with the ‘one flesh’ nature of the marriage covenant.

Showing us again, that since the covenant of marriage is between a husband and his wife, it can be broken if the terms of the covenant are not upheld due to sin. God’s people have always understood the need for counsel, thorough biblical exegesis, careful investigation, and the involvement of other members in the community, especially the elders, to define much of this to ensure proper grounds for divorce are met before a divorce can be permitted, however, we believe the fact that the covenant of marriage can be broken by unfaithfulness through sin is clearly taught in scripture, both in the Old Testament and the New.

5. Sexual immorality is not the only ground for divorce

In light of the passages cited above, we believe that sexual immorality is not the only ground for divorce. Although our position on this has been commonly taught as standard ‘orthodox’ belief throughout church history, it’s worth making it clear that we believe scripture teaches that neglect, abuse and abandonment are also grounds for divorce, alongside the commonly accepted cause of sexual immorality.

To ground this conviction, it will be helpful for some background to the Matthew 5 and 19 passages (along with the parallel passage in Luke 16:18) where Jesus seems to limit the cause of divorce exclusively to the sin of sexual immorality.

First of all, the Jews in Jesus’ day universally understood Exodus 21:10–11 to warrant divorce for failure to provide food, clothing, and sexual relations. If Jesus rejected this universal position, then in order for his teaching on divorce to have any chance of being rightly understood, he would have needed to say so explicitly. And so, when Jesus is questioned about divorce in Matthew 19, we need to understand what was actually being asked, so that we understand why the scope of his answer was as narrow as it was.

In Jesus’ day, the two main schools of biblical interpretation on the topic of divorce were those of Shammai and Hillel. As they both tried to understand the will of God with respect to divorce and remarriage, they took different positions on the Deuteronomy 24:1 passage. The disciples of Hillel had introduced a new teaching (warning!) on divorce into Jewish life. As they considered the concession, ‘If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce …’, this school of thought interpreted the ‘becomes displeasing to him’ to mean that a man can divorce his wife ‘for any and every reason’. This is why the question posed to Jesus in Matthew 19 is;

Matthew 19:3

“Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”

The disciples of Hillel thought, ‘yes’. However, the disciples of Shammai didn’t believe the phrase in Deuteronomy 24:1 gave permission for divorce for any and every reason. Instead, they believed when Moses spoke about what was displeasing to the husband because he found something indecent about her, Moses was referring to sexual immorality. And so according to the disciples of Shammai, divorce was permitted on the grounds of sexual immorality according to Deuteronomy 24:1, as well as the grounds specified in Exodus 21:10–11. So both schools of thought believed that a failure to fulfil the basic rights of a marriage in Exodus 21 were grounds for divorce along with sexual immorality, however, the question posed to Jesus in Matthew 19 was specific to the contemporary issue with respect to Deuteronomy 24:1, alone. And in his response, Jesus sided with the disciples of Shammai, by agreeing that Deuteronomy 24:1 is speaking about sexual immorality. However, that does not mean that there are no other grounds for divorce. It simply means that Jesus did not support the new teaching that a man can divorce his wife for any and every reason.

This means when Jesus teaches on divorce in Matthew 5:31–32 and Matthew 19:9, he is not presenting an exhaustive account of divorce and remarriage but a narrowly exegetical position. His teaching is not a universal statement about the whole of Scripture, but only about one debated verse – Deuteronomy 24:1.

We can be confident in this because of what the Apostle Paul also says with respect to divorce in 1 Corinthians 7, where Paul speaks to married people in the church, saying,

1 Corinthians 7:15

But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances.

Effectively answering the question about whether there are grounds for divorce outside of sexual immorality, by giving permission for divorce on the basis of abandonment. In effect saying, if your partner leaves you, you do not remain bound to them, since the covenant of marriage has been broken, you are now free from that covenant.

As we consider this, it is important to reiterate the fact that God’s people have always understood the need for counsel, thorough biblical exegesis, careful investigation, and the involvement of other members in the community, including the elders, to define much of this to ensure proper grounds for divorce are met before a divorce can be permitted. Otherwise we’ll end up like the disciples of Hillel, and contrary to the will of the Lord, permit divorce for any and every reason; or we’ll end up like hyper-Shammais, and contrary to the will of the Lord, command victims of abuse, neglect and abandonment to remain married to those who have violated their end of the covenant.

6. Even where sin is present, we always seek repentance, forgiveness and restoration first, before we begin to consider divorce

Because of God’s will for marriages to be life-long covenants, even where gross sin is present, we will always work together with both the victim and the culprit to do all that we can to;

1. protect the victim
2. expose sin
3. hold the culprit accountable
4. lead the culprit to genuine repentance
5. help the victim to consider forgiveness
6. restore the marriage
7. rejoice in the marriage as it reflects its God-given purpose (Point 3)

We have this as our aim because we serve a God of grace. We acknowledge that our relationship with God is only possible because of his grace toward us, and so we seek to extend that grace toward each other in order to restore marriages and to keep them healthy.

We want to be clear and open about the destructive nature of sin, that has potential, even to destroy a marriage, and at the same time be clear and open about our faith in God to bring life from the dead, and through the power of the resurrection, even breathe life into marriages that have been wounded by all kinds of sin.

It’s also important to say, as elders, that formal Church Discipline will be the natural consequence for unrepentant sin that causes divorce, in the case where the sinner is a member of the church. This is to use the means necessary to bring a sinner to repentance in order to restore the marriage, and secondarily, to demonstrate the will of God to pronounce judgment upon a person who is not living according to his word.

7. When we misapply God’s word, God’s people get hurt

As is always the case with respect to applied wisdom, we have to be careful not to fall (or drift) toward one of two extreme positions. With respect to divorce and remarriage, they would be the position of the disciples of Hillel who permitted divorce where God did not; and the position of others who seem to be more righteous than God himself, who do not allow divorce even where God has permitted it. In both cases, God’s people get hurt.

With respect to the first position, if we permit divorce where God does not, God’s people will get hurt as they are abandoned for no good reason. In this case, as an example, a man could find any number of things ‘displeasing’ to him, such as her cooking, her physical appearance, health issues, an annoying habit, etc., and think he has the right to divorce her. By divorcing his wife, she would be left in a very difficult situation, no longer a virgin, potentially with children, and especially in the ancient world, struggling to provide basic needs for herself. As God says in Malachi 2;

Malachi 2:16

‘The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect…’

When God’s word is misinterpreted, God’s people get hurt.

With respect to the second position, if we take a position that does not permit divorce where God allows it, not only do we take a position that makes us more righteous than God, but God’s people get hurt as they’re told that it’s God’s will that they remain in abusive marriages, without any way out but death. Think about the effect this would have on a woman, for example, whose husband is physically and verbally abusive. He might threaten to hit her, ridicule her, and demonstrate all kinds of controlling behaviour, but if he doesn’t commit adultery, we tell her that the covenant of their marriage remains intact. He might be committed to harsh and disrespectful behaviour toward her, never showing any emotional or physical intimacy with her, not allowing her to have friends or the financial means to provide properly for herself, and yet, if he does not commit adultery, those who hold this position would not give the woman any grounds for divorce. Needless to say, the woman would be crushed, in order to uphold the ‘marriage’, as if this were the will of God. When in truth, the man has broken the covenant of marriage by his sinful, unrepentant behaviour. As elders, we believe God has permitted divorce in such circumstances to protect his children who have become genuinely innocent victims of such behaviour.

As we consider how God’s people get hurt when God’s word is misinterpreted, it should help us to have a balanced understanding of divorce and remarriage, and apply wisdom carefully, by upholding God’s word to the benefit of all involved.

8. The end of a marriage is not the end of what it portrays

Sometimes Christians place so much value on certain important things, that it undermines other even more important things. An example of this is with respect to divorce and re- marriage. We all know that God’s people are important to God, and we know that marriage is important to God. This is because God’s people are his blood-bought children; and marriage is designed by God to reflect the vitally important relationship between Christ and his church. What means more to God, his people, or their marriages?

If we put too much value on marriages, and as a result we do not permit divorce for things like abuse, abandonment and a failure to commit to physical intimacy, we (often unwittingly) say that Christian marriages are more important than Christians themselves – and this is not the case. It’s vitally important that we recognise God permitted divorce to protect his people from unrepentant sin. God did this because his people mean more to him than their marriages. His people have souls that will endure forever, unlike marriages that were always designed to be ‘till death do us part.’ We should be confident to go as far as to say that it’s the people that make marriages valuable to God, since marriage does not add value to his people.

In the end, even if a marriage does end in divorce, it is not the end of what it portrays. To put that another way, the relationship between Christ and his church remains secure, even if the marriages that were designed to represent this relationship, don’t. God gave marriage to bless his people, and because of sin, God permitted divorce to save those who are being abused. As much as we are committed to working with couples to see marriages flourish according to the will of God no matter what sin appears, in the case of serious, unrepentant sin, we have to acknowledge the hard truth that the end of an abusive marriage leads to the protection of the one being abused, in order that the victim of abuse can go on living for the Lord in a way that is pleasing to him.

In light of this, we believe it would be wise to continue to prioritise people over marriages, as the Lord does. In the same way that what makes a church valuable are its individual members, and not the other way around, what makes a marriage valuable are the members of it, and we should be willing to end a marriage in order to protect those being hurt, as God has done since sin came into the world.

9. Where God permits divorce, he also permits re-marriage

This is another point that has not been widely disputed in church history, although it’s worth saying, that we believe where God permits divorce, he also permits re-marriage. This means where a person has biblical grounds for divorce, there should not be any lingering judgment upon them for this. In Romans 12 we are told;

Romans 12:18

‘If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.’

This is also true in marriage. As a church we will always fight for what the Lord wants, which are healthy, faithful, committed marriages. And at the same time we will hold people accountable when they fail to uphold their end of the covenant, and seek to protect those who have been sinned against, holding nothing against them if their marriages end in divorce. We will wholeheartedly support victims if they seek to re-marry, so long as the one they choose to marry belongs to the Lord.